I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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