I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
