just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
