i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Couch. On fire.
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