girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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