Ambien. No doubt about it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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