remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
