dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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