The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
