Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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