My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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