i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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