I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
