Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
