girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
