We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Green mimosas i think yes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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