i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
