we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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