I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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