smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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