Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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