dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
