I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
