I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
