I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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