i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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