Your dad touched me again.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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