You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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