can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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