Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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