I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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