Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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