I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
