I'm really into asian looking animals
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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