OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
