I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
