so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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