im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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