So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
