My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.