That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.