Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.