I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
