How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Im part way to drunk.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
