Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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