You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
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I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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