Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
