A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
