why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
