hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
