Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
