I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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