maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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