Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
