my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
