hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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