I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
