if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
