i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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