And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
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i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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