I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
