Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
