I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
