Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
