My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
